I Feel Like Tacos.

Why are my Patrick/Pete fanfics so fucking emo lately? Yeah, I said it. Not the *good* kind of Emo with the bangs and the skinny jeans and the eyeliner. The bad kind... with the wrist-slitting and the moping and carrying on. The *stereotype* of Emo.

It's Lame.

Credit to Adam & Andrew for the subject title.

Lost my something and I can't get it back...

I have been neglecting my blog again. Partially out of lack of resources... mostly out of lack of inspiration. I don't know what is wrong with me lately; to steal my cousin's terminology it seems as if I am in "survival mode". I'm not sure what it means but it seems fitting, even if it makes me feel like a cell phone switched to airplane mode.

The truth is, I've lost four friends in less than a month and I am having a difficult time bouncing back. I had been doing so well! Social interaction is painfully difficult for me at the best of times, so this current blow is enough to take me out of commission for quite a while, I think. Why is existing online so much easier than real life?

ARGH! What is WRONG with me? I can't seem to shake this annoyingly low self-esteem. Maybe self-esteem isn't the right word. My image of self is distorted. Suddenly I feel as if I can do nothing right; I'm second-guessing everything I do. For the first time ever I don't WANT to have friends, I don't want any kind of relationship at all with anybody. I'm so closed off I can't even open up to myself anymore! And the relationships I already have are suffering because of it as well. Everything I say and do is coming out forced and ingenuine even though it isn't. Normal interaction with people I have known for years has become awkward. After everything I say I just sit there, tense. Waiting for something unidentified. I can't stand being around myself lately and my mind is convinced that everyone else around me feels the same way.

It's just so ANNOYING! Even just re-reading what I just wrote everything just sounds so... whiny. Whiny and irritating. I don't even know how to change it!

I guess all there is to do at this point is to read lots of blogs, listen to Indigo Girls on repeat and try to get past it.

PROCRASTINATION is the world's oldest profession...

...And I, my dear, am a professional.


So, these are my project 365 pictures from the last week lol. Man, I am SO BAD at this finishing what I started stuff.


So this is a note on the wall at work I found on 5/27. It's a note from my Boss telling us not to tape notes on the wall... like she just did. I was very amused.

Because I am lame and forgot to rotate this picture, humor me and tilt your head. This is Therapist Josh. Josh didn't have any appointments so instead of catching up on paperwork like he should have been, I helped him sculpt a penis out of tacky (that clay-like stuff that looks like gum. You use it to hang posters and shit.) onto the end of a workpen.

We are a productive bunch.


This is Josh tormenting my fellow receptionist, Sara, with the penispen.

OH! BTW this was on 05/28


On 5/29 My friendly Drew and I went bar-hopping. Well, we actually went to a danceparty at the Venue but it was SUPERlame (SEVEN PEOPLE WERE THERE. SEVEN.) so we went walking around downtown Boise, picking up alcoholic beverages as we went. This is a picture of the BIG EASY (in my head the only Knitting Factory is in New York. Damn Franchising.). This is where I go to see Cobra Starship (when they bother to show up) and awesome things of that nature.


On 06/01 The fam went over to Sam's mom's house for her mom's birthday and for some AWESOME FUCKING FOOD. Tess is the Dog whisperer, I swear. That dog has never met Tess in it's life and it is passed the fuck out on it's back.



... and this is my workdesk today, 06/03. Yes, that is Ryan Ross on the screen. My google reader is starting to look like my twitter, with how many rockstar blogs I am following :/ Shit! Gotta go, boss is here.

...Once in a Lullaby...

Day 3/365

It takes a lot of courage to fight against oppressors when it is you, and people like you, who are being oppressed; but It takes a whole different level of courage to stand up when it is the rights of others that you are defending. The decision to uphold proposition 8 felt like a punch to the gut when I found out this morning. Part of me wants to say "At least the 18,000 marriages performed while gay marriage was still legal in California are still valid" ...but compromise feels too much like giving in.



Last night I was reminded that you don't have to be gay to support gay rights; and while my picture today only represents two straight people in support of gay rights, my admiration and love goes out to all of those (not just the rockstars) that are willing to stand up with us and fight.

Day3/365

Hey there, Delilah...

Day 2/365

Thank god for Memorial day. Today was the easiest day at work I can remember ever having. It went by so fast it didn't even feel like work.

When I got home, this is what Tess, Sam, and Delilah were up too.



The rest of the day past by without being very notable. Except for when Tess went to bed, Me and Sam stayed up to watch The Grudge 3 and it scared the shit out of us. We had to watch Wheel of Fortune to take our mind off of it... but now Sam is in bed and I have to go sleep alone in the Garage with just my Chicken-shit of a cat who can't protect me AT ALL. He doesn't even have front claws.

Plus I really fucking need a cigarette but I am afraid to go outside by myself.

If I don't log tomorrow I have been eaten by a Japanese ghost.

I already suck at this game.

Okay, So yesterday I decided to give the whole 'project 360' thing a try. My good Friend Max is doing it and it looked like a lot of fun, plus it would get me to blog more about my everyday life as opposed to just when something pisses me off lol.

I got distracted by awesome food and fun times, however, and forgot to actually POST the picture. Which is what I am going to do.... Now.




This is a picture of the garden my cousin planted around the fountain. You can't see him very well but the turtle spitting into the pond is Mr. Peepers. And yes, that is my cousin's foot :).

It was a GORGEOUS day and after she planted the mini-garden Tess made THE BEST BBQ turkey burgers I have ever had. Overall, it was an awesome day off.

Bedknobs and Broomsticks

Tiffany is letting me buy our bed off of her for $150.

...and that is the best part of my life, at the moment.

It has become a mantra. When I spent Monday night accepting passive aggressive comments from the girl who could not push me away fast enough; at least I am getting the bed. When Jessica informed me while I was in Emmett trying not to drown under the weight of Tiffany's not-so-obvious hostility that she has fallen for another girl that is NOT me; at least I am getting the bed. When Tiffany called me after our visit to tell me that there was a change in plans and that she was moving on Wednesday instead of a month from now and would not get to see me before she left;

At Least I Am Getting The Bed.

People think I should get over it already. They are right, I probably should. The problem is that I have done a lot of talking and not a lot of feeling. I can't seem to shake the numb denial that nothing is out of the ordinary. I am sending condolence messages to Tiffany's best friends, sending my support. I am frantically texting bright, cheerful texts to Tiffany assuring her that moving is scary but that she will be fine; to keep her chin up and that everything will turn out.

It's going to be just me and my cat in that huge king-sized memory foam mattress that used to be ours...

but at least I got the bed.

Homopalooza: Redux

Alright, So I am really bad following through with the concert blogs... but I come with pictures! ...That are out of order because blogger is NOT photo friendly. No matter how hard I try, it won't let me move the photos.

I may sound calm, but I am ready to throw my computer because of this post so let's get to it, yes?




AWWWW! Panda and me!



Here is me and Wes in Line at Fall Out Boy.



This is a picture of me by the totem pole on the pier in Seattle.



This was the line before us at FOB. I wasn't thinking but I should have gotten a picture of the line behind us. We got there about two hours early so the line stretched out WAY behind us.



Me and Justin in the Pit.. either before Cobra Starship or FOB.


My boys at iHop ;hearts&



LMAO okay. SO I have this lip plumping lip gloss and Justin has really full lips... so long story short this is what he would look like if he got collagen injections.



Justin contemplating in line.



Wes and I in line.



I blow Kisses!



really far away picture of FOB... after we got tired of the Pit lol. There will be other far away pictures on my myspace if you want to see them. There aren't any from the pit because I couldn't even close my mouth, let alone function a camera. I was in awe.



Ihop fun times!



Justin texting. We all did this alot. We are 'mos that way :P



AWWWWWWWWWWW me and my Justinface!



same picture, slightly different angle. Gotta love myspace pics lol.



Me at our hotel.




Justin making his "Ummm.... Baby?" face.



I fucking love these glasses. This picture was the first picture taken, as we were leaving the Tricities lol.

So the concert was PHENOMENAL. Cobra was great as always and I got to teach Justin how to put his fangs up, which was fun. Gabe Saporta is nothing if not entertaining :). Oh, but Fall Out Boy. Fall out boy was orgasmic. Patrick was so amazing I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I didn't even nod my head or sing along... I just stood there staring, mesmerized. I have always joked around that he was the Metatron (the voice of God) but I am telling you I wouldn't have been more in awe if the Metatron really HAD shown up.

Road Trip Pt Deux!

Day Two of Homopalooza: TriCities Edition has commenced!

I will start off with a replay of last nights events. The three of us got all dolled up and went to Capitol Hill to have drinks at 'R Place; mine and Justin's favorite gay bar in Seattle, where I proceeded to learn that AMFs are fucking STRONG in Seattle. We only stayed about an hour but that was ample time for me to get sloshed off of my ONE AMF and a shot of tequila.

Then we came back to the hotel and watched Ellen do stand up. Altogether, I'd say the night turned out pretty epic.

Now I am sitting next to my Justinlove, watching Ferris Bueller's Day off.

Next installment: Fall Out Boy concert!

Road Trip: pt Un

Day One of Operation Take Seattle By Storm AKA Homopalooza: TriCities Edition!

Last night's drive was pretty much nothing but me, a pack of cigarettes and a zune full of music. If I had been pulled over (which was entirely plausible, I had a headlight out) the officer would have found me hyped up on Mt. Dew, cigarette in hand, belting out the lyrics to Le Vie Boheme.

Fortunately, my trip was uninterrupted.

Justin and Wesley waited until last night, when I arrived, to start packing. I thought that I had packed more than was needed, but these boys have me beat by far! And of coarse I had Wesley packing for me as well...

Wes: Did you pack a bathing suit?
Me: (laying amongst his clothes on the bed) psht. I don't even OWN a bathing suit.
Wes: I figured. I already packed swim trunks for you.
Justin: (peering around the corner) honey, what bedding are we bringing?

He was positively scandalized when he found out I had only brought the chucks on my feet; so now I have a pair of his flip-flops in his bag waiting for me just in case a situation arises that I need to have shoes on NOW. ;P

Nothing like a pair of homos to make you feel low maintenance! lol

In other news, I just started off Day One with the WORST shower in my LIFE. Their water pressure is so intense It nearly sheared off my nipple when I turned to face the showerhead. I had to hold on to the ladies for dear life just to rinse! Remind me never to do that again. It isn't a shower, it's an extreme sport!

I have to run, before the boys get back and realize I spent all this time on the Internet instead of getting ready.

Cyber Bullying: No longer just for angry teenagers.

I am sad to report that there is no longer such a thing as respect on the internet.

Cyber-bullying is something I ran across quite frequently on the MCRmy message boards. It disgusted me but it was to be expected when the majority of posters were under the age of 17. I just chalked it up to a mixture of teenage angst and a lack of social finesse and moved on to other threads.

Now, I am not so sure that was necessarily the case.

As I mentioned in my last post, my cousin's girlfriend Sam (an excellent friend whom I affectionately call Sammich) has me hooked on several lesbian blogs. Whilst meandering through a blog that I have been enjoying the last couple days I ran into an entry that completely blew my mind. Well, it wasn't so much the entry as it was the comments that threw me for a loop.

This is the link, just in case you want to read what I am talking about.

This woman did nothing but blog her opinion. Readers who disagreed did not calmly argue their point with respect to the writer; they attacked. It was that particular writer's first blog post and they tore her to pieces. They called her uneducated. They used terms such as 'heteronormative' to insult her. I hate what has happened to that word. It's like the term 'Emo' or 'gay'... words that at one point had completely harmless definitions until angry people with hate to spare turned them into something negative.

I am getting off subject.

My point is that those who attacked that blogger weren't frustrated 14 year old fangirls (at least I don't think they were, they were certainly acting like it...), they were women that should know that attacking someones opinion just because it differs from their own is not the way to get their point across.

It's not rocket science. I admit it; I am young. Half of the insults they were slinging I had to google. However, even I know that if I am reading someones blog entry and I don't agree with what they are saying, it is just plain disrespectful to attack them on their own blog! Either calmly engage them in a debate or move on!

In the wise words of Thumper Rabbit; "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

Slow down, so I can breathe.

I feel like I am out of step with the world. The only way I can begin to describe the feeling is that it is like when you step off those moving sidewalks they have in airports, and for a moment you are going faster than you should be.

Only instead of this feeling lasting a few seconds, it's been going on for a month.

I was on the fast track, barreling head-first into my future. Now I am stuck in that moment of trying to slow down without stumbling.

Sam has me reading lesbian blogs, but because she is in such a serious relationship with my cousin they are all blogs about domestic partners dealing with life. It's therapeutic and yet at the same time it makes me feel young and foolish for thinking that my life with Tiffany was anything close to a real relationship. When I think back on the last year, it's is as if I lived a double life. I have memories of being in a relationship but I don't feel it in my heart. It feels as if I was single the entire time.

I hope that one day I will find someone who will look at me the way those couples look at each other. To be in a real relationship and not something that just resembles one.

Everyone keeps telling me that it will happen, but how do they know? It seems impossible. Every time I meet a nice girl, it's like their give a shit meter breaks as soon as I appear.

Wow, this post is way more depressing then I was aiming for.

"I'm not in love; this is not my heart.."

The love of my life is going to California this weekend to pick up the love of her life so that he can live in our house. Cuddle on our couch. Sleep in our bed. She didn't leave me because she is straight; I'm gullible but not completely stupid. She left me for him.

I have been trying so hard to move on as fast as I can because this is the same old storyline that it always has been; just with new characters and the fact that she was the only one I actually trusted when she said that there was no one out there better for her than me.

How is it that there is ALWAYS someone better? How is that even possible, statistically speaking. It's never because they just aren't happy or simply falling out of love. It's always someone else, they always fall in love with someone that isn't me; and then they realize that they never even were in love with me in the first place.

Like a Zombie...

I am back from the dead.

It is truely a sad, pathetic thing; how miserable I have been without the internet. The last 6 months or so without it has been a big blur of suck. Well, to be fair it hasn't been any worse than it was before, it's just I haven't been able to get online and complain about to countless other strangers who are having their souls sucked out of them by life.

already I feel loads lighter, and I haven't even really bitched yet.

I can't continue right now, however, because I am at work and only have five minutes until my break is up.