Lost my something and I can't get it back...

I have been neglecting my blog again. Partially out of lack of resources... mostly out of lack of inspiration. I don't know what is wrong with me lately; to steal my cousin's terminology it seems as if I am in "survival mode". I'm not sure what it means but it seems fitting, even if it makes me feel like a cell phone switched to airplane mode.

The truth is, I've lost four friends in less than a month and I am having a difficult time bouncing back. I had been doing so well! Social interaction is painfully difficult for me at the best of times, so this current blow is enough to take me out of commission for quite a while, I think. Why is existing online so much easier than real life?

ARGH! What is WRONG with me? I can't seem to shake this annoyingly low self-esteem. Maybe self-esteem isn't the right word. My image of self is distorted. Suddenly I feel as if I can do nothing right; I'm second-guessing everything I do. For the first time ever I don't WANT to have friends, I don't want any kind of relationship at all with anybody. I'm so closed off I can't even open up to myself anymore! And the relationships I already have are suffering because of it as well. Everything I say and do is coming out forced and ingenuine even though it isn't. Normal interaction with people I have known for years has become awkward. After everything I say I just sit there, tense. Waiting for something unidentified. I can't stand being around myself lately and my mind is convinced that everyone else around me feels the same way.

It's just so ANNOYING! Even just re-reading what I just wrote everything just sounds so... whiny. Whiny and irritating. I don't even know how to change it!

I guess all there is to do at this point is to read lots of blogs, listen to Indigo Girls on repeat and try to get past it.